They were such a good child before the baby was born? [Parenting Mysteries] Excerpts from the Lecture & Consultation Session

This article is an excerpt and edit of the content from the "When You Feel Anxious About School or Nursery Life: Parental Mindset and Response" lecture and consultation held in 2018.

Available in English and Chinese versions

"Reluctance to Attend School": The Heartfelt Feelings of the Older Sibling

It is common for older siblings to become uncooperative or to express themselves in ways that may seem like stubbornness to parents after the birth of a younger sibling. This can lead to various challenges for parents as they navigate these behaviors.

At times like this, children feel, "I really want to be at home with my mom. The baby is being loved a lot, but I want to be loved too."

Despite that, when I have to go to kindergarten or daycare, I feel like I'm the only one being left out.

Because there is a feeling of not wanting to go, various troublesome behaviors occur.

Mothers may become strict, confusing discipline with their child's feelings, but at the same time, children want their mothers to understand their loneliness and sadness.

When you behave well, you are often left alone, which can lead to acting out and saying, 'Look at me,' 'Pay attention to me,' or 'Show me some love.' One of the manifestations of this is reluctance to go to school.

Even if a child thinks in their heart that they don't want to go to kindergarten or daycare, there are some who endure without saying anything.

If you hold back without saying anything, it starts with little things like headaches and stomachaches. Even if you somehow manage to go to kindergarten or daycare, if you're not feeling it emotionally, your body won't move either.

Moreover, when it comes to how the child feels, they think, "Mom is always with the baby and is giving them so much love, but I was left behind at kindergarten."

Because we cannot express that loneliness and inner feelings in words, we start engaging in various complicated behaviors.

As a mother, you might think, "Why are they not listening to me? They were such a good child before the baby was born." It's this feeling that makes it difficult to accept and forgive the current challenging behavior.

However, when you understand the tender feelings of a child, it makes you want to embrace them because they are so dear. In this way, a mother's feelings also change. As a result, the child's behavior can become more settled in response.

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Counselor:

Ryouko Uchida

Since 1973, I have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo. Since 1998, I have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room," where I hold group counseling sessions for issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal. I have also served as a part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and as an advisor for NHK Radio's telephone consultation program, "Children's Heart Consultation." I have given numerous lectures at parenting circles across the country, as well as at meetings for parents considering school refusal and at kindergartens. My published works include 'Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries,' 'Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts,' and 'Reluctance to Attend School.'