[Parenting Mystery Q&A Collection] I want to know how my child is spending time at school or daycare, but they won't tell me (5 years old)

*This article is an excerpt and edited version of the "Parenting and Discipline with Young Children" seminar and consultation held in 2018.

*Available in English and Chinese versions

 

Q. I want to know how my child is spending time in kindergarten, but they won't tell me (5 years old)

 

I ask my child how they spend their time at kindergarten, but they often hide it or forget, so they don't tell me much.

According to the teacher, it's not good to listen too much, but there are times when children say, "I had a bad experience at kindergarten."

I can't help but worry and ask. What should I do?

 

A.

Even when they go to kindergarten, daycare, or elementary school, there are overwhelmingly many children who do not answer when asked, "What happened?"

Children are people who "live in the moment," so they are always thinking about what to do right now, like planning to play when they get home.

Children come home with a lot on their minds, like wanting to have a snack.

So when asked what happened in kindergarten or daycare, it just doesn't come up in their world.

So in that sense,asking what happened is rather rude.

It's common for children to start talking after taking a little break, perhaps while enjoying a snack.

 

If you want to hear what a child has to say, make sure to listen carefully when they start talking, and then follow up with, "What happened next?"

 

However, questions like, "Dear [Name], nice to meet you. What happened at school today?" are usually ignored.

You might get responses like, "Not really" or "I forgot." This is what people say when they don't want to talk about it right now.

 

It's often when my mom is busy that she can't listen to such conversations.

Standing behind my mom while she's preparing dinner, I say, "Hey, guess what?" to interrupt her.

At that time,it's important to listen with your back, isn't it?

 

"Oh, I see, uh-huh,"if you listen with a nod, the child will share their frustrations and grievances from school, helping to cleanse their heart.

When facing each other, I feel like my mom would say things like, 'This is how you should handle it' or 'You were at fault too,' so I don't talk.

 

Listen quietly from behind when mom seems to be busy.

Alternatively, when you're focused on driving and listening to the conversation, you might not offer any advice.

I believe there is wisdom in how to listen.

 

Another thing is that I had a bad experience at school; I was scolded by a teacher, bullied by friends, had my belongings hidden, and was hurt by various things that were said to me.

In such moments, after coming home and saying "I'm back," I immediately start teasing my siblings.

Seeing the child below playing with their mother and having fun with toys, suddenly kicked the toy away,

It is common to push or shove babies.

 

Then, most mothers start scolding or admonishing, saying things like, 'Why are you picking on your inactive siblings?'

When you come back from outside and that kind of thing starts happening, it's usually because something unpleasant occurred outside.

 

So in those situations, it's not about saying 'don't bully.'

"Today feels different. Did something unpleasant happen outside?" Start with this line..

 

"When people feel frustrated, they often want to do various things at home. Sometimes even Dad feels that way too."

Tell the child something like that, and let the mother know that something happened; that's the first step.

 

When you're feeling frustrated, it's hard to put those feelings into words. That's why it's rare to talk about what happened.

There are times when I say things like, 'Whatever,' 'I forgot,' or 'That's annoying,' but this definitely means that something happened.

 

In such cases, you can say something like, "Mom is always here to listen, so feel free to talk to me," to ease the situation.

"Well, when you're feeling frustrated, you tend to crave something sweet, so I'll give you an extra snack to brighten your mood."

 

I feel my heart soften a bit, realizing that my mother’s gentle approach has made her aware of my feelings.

 

When children belong to a group, they often carry various things from the outside and release them within the home.

Noticing these things can make it a bit easier to interact with children.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Advisor: Yoshiko Uchida (Child Psychology Counselor)

 

Since 1973, I have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo. Since 1998, I have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room," where I hold group counseling sessions for issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal. I have also served as a part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and as an advisor for NHK Radio's telephone consultation program, "Children's Heart Consultation." I have given numerous lectures at parenting circles across the country, as well as at meetings for parents considering school refusal and at kindergartens. My published works include 'Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries,' 'Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts,' and 'Reluctance to Attend School.'