[Parenting Mystery Q&A Collection] When a 5-Year-Old Asks to Be Held Even When It's Difficult

*This article is an excerpt and edited version of the "Parenting and Discipline with Young Children" seminar and consultation held in 2018.

*Available in English and Chinese versions

 

Q. When it's difficult to hold them, they ask to be held (5 years old)

 

When I'm in a crowded train or elevator and can't hold my child because I'm bumping into others, they insist on being picked up loudly. Even if I say, 'Just wait a moment,' they absolutely refuse to back down. How should I handle this situation?

 

A.

Holding a child is the most comforting way for them.

 

A mother posted in the newspaper about her first-grade child, saying that the homework was to "get lots of hugs from Dad and Mom today." It seems that the mother had to report to the school how the child reacted after being hugged. The post mentioned that the child looked very shy and embarrassed, but also incredibly happy.

 

Hugging is the best form of communication. It's the most reassuring way to connect, even without words..

 

Right after the Great East Japan Earthquake, I visited four or five health centers for the 18-month and 3-year check-ups, and I heard stories of even 4- and 5-year-olds asking to be held.

 

In March, after the earthquake, during the 3-year-old health check-ups in October, November, and December, I heard many voices expressing, "The children are just so clingy and demanding to be held," and "Why are they so needy?"

 

For parents, the earthquake is a thing of the past and life has returned to normal. However, for children, it remains a present fear. They often seek comfort in being held, especially when aftershocks occur or when they hear news reports about it.

 

In one consultation, a three-year-old child would sleep on their mother's stomach. Since sleeping on the stomach means being held while sleeping, this is the most comforting and necessary position for the child. We suggested that the mother slightly adjust her position so that her child could be fully embraced, and this provided a solution.

 

I believe that holding a child is the best way to ensure their safety and security, and I hope it is done regardless of their age.

 

Babies can be held all the time, even at one year old.

However, after the age of three, unless it's something special, or even if it is something special, they won't be carried anymore. That's why they still insist on being held.

It's common for them to say "hold me" especially when I'm holding their younger siblings. They often ask, "Who is more important, me or the baby?"

 

So, during those times,Even if you're holding a small child, please acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, "I understand you want to be held.".

When I said I wanted to be held, my mom picked me up. Just that alone makes me feel so much calmer.

 

One more thing,Telling children to "wait" and "later" is a taboo..

It's important to say, "I want to be held, I understand," and phrases like "later" or "wait for me" are not acceptable.

I know you're going to be ignored, so I'll say, 'You want to be held, right? I'll hold you, I understand.'

So when I said I wanted to be held, it was like, "Yeah, I get it, you want to be held, I understand."

I will respond with words.

 

Then, when you say to the younger child, 'Your big brother or sister wants to hold you, so can you switch for a moment?' and you hold them, they feel satisfied from being held, so it doesn't have to last long.

When you say "later" or "wait," and then pick them up after they get impatient, they may cling to you and not want to let go.

 

When the younger child resists switching places, you can divide them into two halves or carry the older child on your back while placing the baby in front. The best way to feel a parent's love is to know that mom understands and accepts you.

 

Wanting to be held means wanting to feel love, so please don't hold back, even if it's just a little.

 

When the train is crowded"Excuse me for a moment, my younger child is feeling a bit neglected and is acting like a baby again." Just saying something like that makes the people around me incredibly kind.

It's kind of funny to be told, 'You're so big, why do you want to be held?' I would just say, 'Sorry for the tight space.'

 

Then, during times of shyness, being held is necessary. Shyness means being afraid of people. In those moments, instead of being held facing outward, being held inward by your mother makes it a bit easier because you don't have to face others.

 

If you say something like, "My child is just going through a shy phase" or "We just had a baby," while holding them, it helps the child feel less blamed, and the atmosphere becomes warmer. People around, like chatty aunts, might share their own experiences, saying, "We went through that too," which lightens the mood.

And thenWhen a mother feels warm and gentle, there's no need for cuddling. That's why sometimes they just slip away.

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Advisor: Yoshiko Uchida (Child Psychology Counselor)

 

Since 1973, I have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo. Since 1998, I have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room," where I hold group counseling sessions for issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal. I have also served as a part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and as an advisor for NHK Radio's telephone consultation program, "Children's Heart Consultation." I have given numerous lectures at parenting circles across the country, as well as at meetings for parents considering school refusal and at kindergartens. My published works include 'Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries,' 'Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts,' and 'Reluctance to Attend School.'