[Parenting Mystery Solving Seminar Q&A] How should I approach my daughter who is refusing to attend school? (Grade 8)

This article is an excerpt from the lecture and consultation session titled "Parental Mindset and Response When Feeling Anxious About School Life" held in 2018.

　This is the edited version.

*Available in English and Chinese versions

Q. How should I approach my daughter who is refusing to attend school? (Grade 8)

 

Since the second half of the first semester in seventh grade, I started attending school sporadically, and it's been a year since I completely stopped going from the second semester.

I have three younger siblings, a sister and two brothers, and we get along well. Instead of studying at home, we enjoy drawing illustrations and reading comics.

I am relaxing.

As a parent, I want to support my child while also helping them, but I'm not sure how to do that.

A.

When I can't accept missing school and stay home, I end up bullying my siblings.

On the contrary, when you are accepted and belong, such things do not happen at all.

 

We engage in various activities every day, such as playing, chatting, and drawing illustrations.

Children learn in this way every day.

 

There is an educational program called Cronlara in the United States.

This program translates everything you usually do at home into academic subjects. For example, cooking counts as home economics, and reading art books counts as art class.

Taking a walk with a dog is physical education, going to a science and technology museum is science, and drawing illustrations falls under art.

Children learn everything at home.

 

Interactions between children of different ages help them develop social skills and grow intellectually, and this can also happen at home.

Your child is living in a very stable environment.

 

What is the best way to handle situations like this?"It's better when Mom is healthy and away."That's right.

Try crumpling the paper in your hand. Look through the circle in the paper.

This is the perspective of a state of worrying about a child. The child is at the center of this. It's a narrow viewpoint, isn't it?

And then we gradually focus more on the other person. The problem tends to escalate.

By returning to paper, you can live within such a broad perspective.

Worrying leads to a narrow perspective.

 

Sometimes, we can make problems seem bigger than they are, causing anxiety for both ourselves and our children.

What matters is to live with an expanded perspective.

 

That's why it's said that "It's better when Mom is healthy and away."

It's no secret that it's better when Dad is away and doing well.

 

When a mother quits her job and stays at home, the child blames themselves.That's right.

I took away my mother's important work by staying home instead of going to school.

I worry that if I don't get better soon, I'll ruin my mother's life.

Please take care of your own life as a parent.

When a child is feeling anxious, step back for a moment, and when they calm down, approach them again.

I think it's best to maintain a steady focus on living our daily lives as usual.

Children who have fully enjoyed this kind of life will gradually become bored and seek a future career that connects to their passions.

There are often times when you feel the urge to do something.

At first, when you want to do something but aren't quite ready, you may feel the urge to take on three or four different things at once.

At times like that, when my mother would lightly place her hand on my palm and say, "Oh, I see, you want to do that,"

Now, I want to do the next thing, and a couple more will come up again.

While thinking about wanting to do this and that, I eventually narrow it down to one thing.

"I really want to do this, so please, Mom."

Having a hobby can be a great comfort during tough times, whether you're facing work challenges, dealing with a breakup, or feeling lost.

This can sometimes be a source of support for that person, which is why it becomes that way.

In some cases, it can become a lifelong pursuit.

SoYou might as well wait until they say, 'I'm bored.'I think so.

And then,Children who do not go to school live according to their own interests and passions,

I gather a variety of knowledge and insights within myself..

 

School studies must follow the textbooks, and it must be until the commonly used kanji appear.

I'm so narrow-minded that I can't even use the kanji for my own name.

However, children acquire a rich vocabulary and language skills through reading books, watching television, and enjoying comics.

Then, you can get the latest information on TV.

 

Not only school textbooks, but even elementary school students can understand Hawkins' Law.

When the Berlin Wall fell, what the children I met did was,

It seems that the socialist system has collapsed; I wonder what a socialist system really is.

I even read the original texts by Marx, Lenin, and Engels.

And after reading Marx and Engels, a middle school student might say,"It wasn't that socialism was wrong,

It's like realizing that the Soviet Union couldn't achieve socialism.

 

For example, if you want to learn about mitochondria in biology, or if you're curious about why mosquitoes bite people,

Higher education is suitable because it allows for the acquisition of a diverse range of knowledge that meets various needs.

 

Therefore, when it comes to children's intellectual and personal growth, there is no need to push them too hard to learn at school during elementary, middle, and high school.

How to achieve the maximum effect with minimal energy in places where children want to go

It would be a good idea to think about it.

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Advisor: Yoshiko Uchida (Child Psychology Counselor)

Since 1973, we have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo, and since 1998, we have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room."

We hold group counseling sessions for issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal.

Part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and former advisor for NHK Radio's phone consultation program "Children's Mental Health Counseling." Involved with parenting circles across the country,

A parents' group considering school refusal, with many lectures at kindergartens and other venues.

Book: "Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries""Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts" and "Reluctance to Attend Nursery and School"