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*This article is an excerpt and edited version of the "Parenting and Discipline for Young Children" seminar and consultation held in 2019.
This consultation meeting is a parenting support session where both Japanese and foreign participants come together to share their concerns and insights about parenting across cultures.
* Available in English and Chinese versions
Q. My child behaves well at daycare but is defiant at home (2.5 years old)
At the daycare, they say I'm a good child who eats well and doesn't cry much, but on weekends and weekday nights, I really crave attention.
They cry and say they don't want to, and during mealtime, they just play pretend with the food.
It's especially frustrating when I'm feeling sleepy or hungry, and I end up being grumpy and saying I don't want to do things, which makes everyone else around me irritated as well.
I don't think it's good to only scold, so how should we handle this situation?
A.
Being able to do things properly in a daycare means understanding the appropriate behavior for different situations.Right?
Let's consider it good if it's being done properly somewhere.
Having over-adapted with all my might, I now need to ground myself to find balance within. This is where I stand at this stage.
I think it means that you are showing this to your mother.
It's fine because I'm doing it outside; I understand that I'm tired and being a bit spoiled right now. But when my mother thinks it's time for discipline...
By adding a simple note like, 'I want to take it easy at home since I've been working hard outside,' you can avoid being scolded.
Once I start scolding, everything I've been holding back just comes pouring out, almost like a tidal wave.
"You did a great job at daycare today, didn't you? It's written right here in your communication notebook."
Children are greatly rewarded by that.
It's okay to be pampered at home because you're working hard outside.
It's the same situation as saying that since Dad is working hard at the company, we don't do anything at home.
Children who are living in a group setting may overly adapt early on, making it difficult for them to express themselves within the group.
I hope you can understand that I am living a fairly high-level lifestyle.
And then,From the late stages of the first year to the second year, you'll hear a lot of "no" and "I don't want to," but think of this as a way for children aged 1 to about 3 to respond.
Children have their own needs and schedules too. Yet, when it comes to "It's time for a bath" or "It's time for dinner,"
The reason I can't explain in words that "I'm in the middle of playing right now, so I can't switch gears quickly" is that it simply turns into "I don't want to."
"Just wait a moment" and "later" can all turn into "no" for everyone.
"No" is not a rejection; it means "just a moment," so we shouldn't take the words at face value.
It means accepting the "no".
Watch what the child is doing when they say, 'I don't want to.'
"You were having so much fun playing, weren't you? Come over when you're done!"
When you say, 'I'm going to take a bath,' most kids usually respond with, 'No way.'
As I said, "You're watching TV, and playing with your toys, right? I'm going to go in first," and then I left the room.
They usually come after you, right?
"What are you doing? Hurry up and come here!" When I get angry, the "I don't want to" response tends to drag on.
It's very important for us adults to not insist on making children listen to what we say about saying "no."
One more thing,Children struggle with transitioning between situations.They are people.
Sometimes, once you start crying, you just can't stop.
At that time, I said, "It's okay to cry as much as you need to. I'll just go wash some dishes for a bit."
There are times when a child stops crying the moment their mother leaves the room, or starts to chase after her.
The environment changes, so children adapt their behavior accordingly. We shift away from the tense situation where they were scolded.
As soon as the parents step away, it changes.
Just make sure to let them know the destination at that time.
When I say, 'I'm just going to the bathroom for a moment,' they cry out, 'Mommy!' and follow me.
Because of this,it's important to facilitate a change of environment.
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Advisor: Yoshiko Uchida (Child Psychology Counselor)
Since 1973, we have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo, and since 1998, we have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room,"addressing issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal.
We are holding group counseling sessions. I have experience as a part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and as an advisor for NHK Radio's phone consultation program, "Children's Mental Health Counseling."
Numerous lectures are held at parenting circles across the country, support groups for parents considering school refusal, and kindergartens.
Books: "Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries", "Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts", "Reluctance to Attend Nursery and School"
==== About the Organizer =============================================
JII is a nonprofit organization that supports foreign residents living in Japan, with a vision of "Cultural synergy."
We launched the first "Otonari-san Family Friend Program (abbreviated as OFP)" in Japan. (ENGLISH)
Japanese residents volunteer to partner with foreign residents living nearby in the same community,
This is an innovative system that provides direct interaction and personalized support through one-on-one meetings, online sessions, and chats over a six-month period. During the activities, OFP coordinators will assist to ensure smooth communication, and our team of experts will handle any complex inquiries from foreign residents.
Centered in Tokyo, over 260 Otonari-san (Japanese volunteers) and foreign residents from more than 33 countries and regions participate. This is not only a place for foreign residents to become familiar with life in Japan, its culture, the Japanese language, and local communities, but also a space where volunteers who wish to experience diverse cultures, broaden their horizons, and assist foreign residents in need can thrive.
Additionally, we offer Living Consultations for foreign residents.
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