They were such a good child before the baby was born? [Parenting Mysteries] Excerpts from the Lecture & Consultation Session

This article is an excerpt and edit of the content from the "When You Feel Anxious About School or Nursery Life: Parental Mindset and Response" lecture and consultation held in 2018.

Available in English and Chinese versions

"Reluctance to Go to Daycare": The Heartfelt Feelings of the Older Child

It is common for older siblings to become uncooperative or to express themselves in ways that may seem like stubbornness to parents after the birth of a younger sibling. This can lead to various challenges for parents as they navigate these behaviors.

At times like these, children feel, "I really want to be at home with my mom. The baby is getting lots of love, but I want to be loved too."

Despite that, when I have to go to kindergarten or daycare, I feel like I'm the only one being left out.

Deep down, there’s a reluctance to go, which is why various troublesome behaviors occur.

Mothers may become strict, mistaking it for discipline issues, but at the same time, children want their mothers to understand their feelings of loneliness and sadness.

When you behave well, you are often left alone, which can lead to acting out and saying, 'Look at me,' 'Pay attention to me,' or 'Show me some love.' One of the manifestations of this is reluctance to go to school.

Even if children feel in their hearts that they don't want to go to kindergarten or daycare, some keep it to themselves and endure it.

When children hold back their feelings without expressing them, small issues like headaches and stomachaches begin to appear. Even if they somehow manage to go to kindergarten or daycare, if their emotions aren't engaged, their bodies won't respond either.

Moreover, from the child's perspective, they might feel, "Mom is always with the baby and showering it with love, but I was left behind at kindergarten."

Because they cannot express that loneliness and their inner feelings in words, they begin to exhibit various demanding behaviors.

As a mother, you might think, "Why don't they listen? They were such a good child before the baby was born." It's precisely because of these feelings that it's hard to accept or forgive the current demanding situation.

But when you understand the tender feelings inside a child's heart, you can't help but feel so much love that you want to hold them close. In this way, a mother's feelings begin to change. Then, in response, the child's behavior often starts to calm down as well.

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Counselor:

Ryouko Uchida

Since 1973, I have been providing consultation services at several public health centers in Tokyo. Since 1998, I have been running the "Children's Consultation Room: Momo's Room," where I hold group counseling sessions for issues such as school refusal, delinquency, and social withdrawal. I have also served as a part-time lecturer at Rikkyo University and as an advisor for NHK Radio's telephone consultation program, "Children's Heart Consultation." I have given numerous lectures at parenting circles across the country, as well as at meetings for parents considering school refusal and at kindergartens. My published works include 'Counselor Ryoko's Parenting Mysteries,' 'Q&A on Young Children's Lives and Hearts,' and 'Reluctance to Attend School.'